Sometimes, I feel as though all the good work I have been doing with my illness, has come undone. Like the stitches have been ripped apart and suddenly everything is flowing out like a nicked vein. I feel as though I’m stuck in a rut and I can’t climb out. Don’t ask me why, or how. Sometimes, it’s just how I feel. My emotions have been spiraling out of control, half of the time I don’t even know what emotion I’m feeling. When people ask me whats wrong, I’m not lying when I say I don’t know. Because I don’t.
Having this illness is a life long sentence, it’s not just going to go away. But lately, I’m just mentally exhausted. All I do is sleep. Even after sleeping all day, the minute I awake, I’m completely exhausted again. The comfort of my bed has become my prison. Most of the time even breathing is exhausting. I can’t stay awake for more then a few hours without wanting to kill something. I often find myself on the verge of tears, for no reason. They dare to escape and show everyone exactly how I’m feeling. I get so frustrated with myself, that I lash out at the people I love, and every little thing that people do makes me irrationally angry. To those that continue to stand by my side though this fight, I am sorry for being this way. Please don’t give up on me.
I wish my heart would beat strong in my chest, and not feel like it is constantly trying to battle it’s way out of my twisted ribcage. I’m sick of feeling out of breath after every few steps, I’m tired of feeling dizzy and weak and helpless. I wish I could breathe in long and deep, and not feel like I’m gasping for air. I’ve stopped noticing when I’m short of breath, until it almost makes my knees buckle and I have to grab onto something so I don’t fall to the shiny, hard floor. I’m sick of medication, and I’m sick of damn hospitals. I’m sick of seeing pain and death in every direction I turn my chocolate brown eyes. But I guess you can’t always get what you want.
At the moment, I’m just a stupid little fawn.
Sometimes I just feel lost. I’m sick of losing the people I love. One day, I woke up and the very person who got me through some of the most horrible days of my life, and for a long time, was my only friend, wasn’t here anymore. The angels flew down and took him away from me. And I’m angry. I’m angry because you left me. I know it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t make losing you any easier. And I’m angry at myself. I never showed you exactly how much you meant to me, and I’m sorry that I never spent enough time with you. I never knew how peaceful a cemetry was, until I came to visit the place that your empty body now resides. And I hope that where ever I go, you are following me, watching over me and still laughing at my stupid antics.
I cannot get rid of this empty feeling. It’s like suddenly I’ve woken up and somethings missing. I just can’t for the life of me work out what that is. I know things will get better. But for now I just have to ride this roller coaster, and see where life takes me. People will probably read this and think I’m going to give up, hurt myself or commit suicide, and of course I have times when I think about those things, I’m sure I’m not the only one. But thinking about those things and acting on them are very different, so just relax, breathe in and out and let me sort my jumble of a life out.